it's Sunday April 12, 2009, and I'm at the office working my ass off trying to pretend that I'm well when i'm not. I am so sick, I have colds and fever and all I could think about is the mistakes I've made and the people in my past who got hurt because of my actions. I'm so broken, frailed and exhausted.. My heart is gnawing with enormous pain because once again it is broken into pieces. I have been so weak to let myself fall to another trap, only this time I am the one to be blamed.. I have been trying to please people who only wanted the best for me and forgot that I am old enough to make my own decisions. This weakness led me to hurt someone so fragile because I was torn between choosing the one I wanted for myself or the one the people around me thinks I deserve. I have been too busy giving the needs of others when my own needs are drastically dying, I have been too selfless and I forgot that I too deserve to be happy.
Life for me has been a continuous search for happiness and slowly I am starting to feel it's absence to my life. It's hard when you don't even have any idea what really makes you happy or who makes you happy. No matter how much difficulty it brings, it's not how many times you fail but how many times you never quit searching.
On a day to day basis, I try to focus myself to other things just so I can forget the suffering of my heart. The longingness of wanting to have someone to fill up the emptiness I feel continous to pierce me in my thoughts. Slowly, I will overcome this suffering but one thing is certain, I will drive my own ship without anyone's dictates and even if waves may stop me from my path, I will manuever my ship the best way I know how just to get through every obstacle. I will be firm in making decisions and I will be stronger during my weakness. Wether or not I'll have someone in my life or be alone, then I have no right to argue with God's plan for me, this is written in my palm and this maybe my purpose then SO BE IT..
Yes I am not ashamed to admit that I am in so much pain and sorrow right now, but I've been told, IT WILL PASS.. IT WILL PASS....
